How do you say 'Thank You' in a way that conveys the depth of gratitude you feel for the gift for which you are trying to give thanks?  How do you say 'Thank You' in a way that allows for the meaningfulness of the act for which you are saying 'Thanks' to be sufficiently acknowledged?  I have been trying for years to say "Thank You' to a friend without it sounding trite, or too soppy, or too over the top, or too under done.  I haven't succeeded, yet.  At least I don't think I have.

In a friendship dating back to early high school, spanning almost 30 years, words of thanks have been spoken between us many times, thousands of times, I'm sure. How many Christmas presents, birthday presents, long chats over hot cups of tea, road-trips, new jobs, lost jobs, transitions, weddings, funerals, births, New Year's celebrations and all those gatherings and dinner parties, and all the little ways we've supported each other throughout these many years?  So many opportunities and so many words of thanks given.  And yet...this 'Thank You' just wells up in my throat and stays there.

Eight years ago, I suddenly became very ill.  It was a mystery illness robbing me of all my strength, all capacity.  It took my joy and replaced it with pain and quickly deteriorating capacity.  I was barely functioning, organs shutting down, and the medical establishment wasn't coming up with answers or support.  During this time, there were many days, and within those days, many moments, where I could not see how I could survive the next moment and see the next day.  I contacted my family and closest friends to inform them of my situation.  Fearing the worst, I wanted to hear their voices one last time.  Things were not looking good for me and I will admit now that when it was really bad, I did consider ending it all.

I had finally consulted a friend who had just started his Naturopathy clinic who really became my health support and advocate with the health care system.  His first prescription to me was to find 10 or more reasons to laugh each day.  "You must laugh in order to heal," he said.  It was during these first three months of illness that a good friend of mine, HL, phoned or visited me just to say hello or to share stories of her day.  She called every day, sometimes more than once a day.  Each call was such a gift.  She gave me a reason to smile and even to laugh, just through sharing her own delight with the world, with life, with me.  Aside from the longevity, my friendship with HL was similar to my other close friendships and yet, she was the friend who reached out and shared of herself, providing a lifeline for me when I had reach the end of mine.

Reaching out when someone is ill seems to be difficult for people.  We are not always clear what is needed and sometime assume that giving space is what is needed.  I think we also just get caught up in our own lives.  I met a young woman a few years ago who shared her story of her recent illness with Chrones disease which struck her in her 20's as she was getting married.  She mentioned how alone she felt - that even with her husband's love, when she was at her worst she truly felt alone.  I understood this in a way I could never have understood it until my own illness.  She also mentioned her dismay at how the friendships she had counted on, the people she had supported over the years, had disappeared.  She was still quite upset at this, feeling betrayed and abandoned at her worst time of need.  I also understood this, but had recovered from the hurt.  I didn't hear from too many people when I was ill.  It was as though I had dropped out of the world.  HL was the only person who took the time to reach out to me each day. Everyone has their own capacity for supporting others and that support doesn't always come in the form in which you would hope.  This is something to accept and to forgive and to honour.  I've come to understand that it is not a reflection of me, of my deservedness.  Unless you have been seriously ill, chronically ill, you don't really understand what it is like and what is needed.  I didn't.

What I understand now, is that not much was needed -- just a reason to smile, the sharing of friendship, the sharing of self.  Nothing very heroic at all.  Yet so very important and sustaining.  To know that I was cared for.  It made all the difference.

So, even writing this now, I feel I don't have the words to adequately convey what I feel and even if I did, I can't seem to put the words together in such a way to tell HL what is in my heart.  To say how fortunate I am and how grateful I am that she cared enough about me to share of herself each day and give me something to look forward to, to hang onto, some sense of still belonging in the world.  And now I wonder if perhaps it is enough to just be grateful for each day that I have, each moment, and to honour how much I have -- our friendship, the continued support, the shared laughter...and the tears and everything in between.

Perhaps it is enough and all I need to say is that I am grateful for you, HL.